


The Worst Spring Awakening Fic Ever Written

by bareunloveliness



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Bobby Mahler hes the worst, Crack Fic, If you can handle spring awakening you can handle this asdfhjakjlsdfh, Joke Fic, Minor Character Death, Multi, The Worst Spring Awakening Fic Ever, child abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 05:29:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bareunloveliness/pseuds/bareunloveliness
Summary: Based off my text post, "Spring Awakening Kids As Lines They Say In Every Fan Fiction Ever", linked below.https://goldenheartprincess.tumblr.com/post/176385393751/spring-awakening-kids-as-lines-they-say-in-every





	The Worst Spring Awakening Fic Ever Written

**Author's Note:**

> I'm... so sorry. @feelssogoodinmyarms and I were talking about how fucked it would be if we wrote fics based off my post, so they're going to write one about "Lines They Should Say" and I wrote this one... Bolded are the lines from the post that I had to incorporate into one cohesive fic, which I made a sleepover fic because that's the most basic idea I could think of.  
> This whole thing is in jest and a big ass joke so don't take it too seriously. I know the characters are deeper than this and that there are really good fics out there, but this is just a fucking crack fic I'm so sorry.

Melchior Gabor, the beloved intellectual of his friend group, instructed the other children who he viewed as fully grown adults able to make decisions about things they didn't know about yet, to sit in a circle and face each other. "We're going to play a little game called, Truth or Dare," he announced, a devious grin spreading on his face. "Martha, truth or dare."

Martha Bessel, a quiet girl with a single personality trait of 'abused child', had no plans to inform the rest of the group about her home life, but even less of an intention to kiss or worse to any of her friends. "Truth," she said with shaky breath.

"Where'd you get those bruises?" Melchior asked, no filter or conscience anywhere to be seen. "Like, you're probably into some really kinky stuff. That's hot."

" **My dad hit me again,** " Martha deadpanned. Melchior concealed his growing erection with a copy of Faust and nodded grimly. "I don't like this game."

"And I don't like respecting women, what's your point?" he laughed. "Just pick someone."

"Moritz," she said, turning to the soulful sleepyhead. That was her other personality trait; crushing on Moritz. Or being a raging lesbian. It varied from day to day. "Have you ever, uh, masturbated?" It was the best she could come up with to satisfy Melchior's insatiable appetite for making his friends uncomfortable.

Moritz shifted his weight. " **Melchi, what's 'masturbate' mean?** "

"Jesus fucking Christ," Melchior swore, causing Ernst to practically shit himself. "The answer is no, because he's a pussy. If he did, he'd be an atheist like me."

"An  _ atheist _ ?" Ernst said, ducking into Hanschen's toned chest in fear. "Have you no shame, Gabor?"

" **I don't believe in God.** " He stated proudly. " **Shame is a product of education** ."

"I left Pripia for  _ this _ ?" Ilse groaned, pissed off. "Bobby, you're up. Truth or dare."

"Dare," Bobby Mahler grinned, wearing khakis like he did everyday. Nobody knew if he washed them or not, or if he only wore one pair. They were too afraid to ask. "Do your worst, Neumann."

"I dare you to let Marianna in, she just arrived." Ilse decided to use him for her own gain, not wanting to get up. "The door's really easy to unlock." He walked away, scowling.

"I thought I was Marianna Wheelan," Anna pouted. " **Then, Bobby's up, I guess.** " She made sure to keep the plot - I mean, the game - going, as if that was her only point for being in the story in the first place.

Bobby returned a few seconds later, with Marianna wheeling her way behind him. " **Hey guys, I'm so hot.** " she said, as he sat down and turned to Hanschen with a wink.

"Truth or Dare."

"Truth, because I'm not sucking your dick again."

"Fine. **Wouldn't you rather be with someone like me than Ernst Robel? I'm hot and he's dumb.** "

Ernst perked up at the mention of his name, a small, innocent boy who could cry at any moment. "That's not very nice."

"No, because while I skim the cream, he always  **swallows every last drop.** "

The bottom's voice trembled as his cheeks flushed red. " **Wh- shut-** **_Hanschen_ ** !"

A few minutes later, after minor characters that didn't matter took their turns, Wendla and Max Von Trenk arrived. The latter was coughing, and the former was carrying a basket of wildflowers. "Sorry I'm late," she said. " **I just picked this bouquet of flowers. I hope Mama likes them.** "

"That's nice. Otto hopes his mom likes him." Georg said, allowed one gratuity line for the sake of making it seem like the author cares about background characters.

" **Guys, I only dreamt about my mom** **_one time_ ** **!** " Otto whined as the rest of the kids laughed, except for Max, who was wheezing. Who the fuck invited him? 

Lammermier, who was barely noticeable in the circle, appeared puzzled. " **Wait, am I not Otto?** " he asked, but nobody heard him because he spoke into a hand mic, and that meant he wasn't able to be heard. Hand mics were fucking stupid, but that didn't stop the kids from using them and singing to hide their true emotions.

Melchior Gabor only had two emotions anyway; Superiority Complex and Spiritual Jerking Off. He had been doing the second one ever since Martha spoke, but unfortunately only lasted about two seconds. If he was lucky.

In a totally buzzkill move, Max reached out to Hanschen's hand, held it closely to his heart, and began to cry. " **Hanschen,** " he choked out. " **I love you.** " He promptly died.

"Ilse, truth or dare." someone, doesn't matter who, asked.

"Dare," she said, like the deviant she was, as if her personality was genuinely fucked up and now just her means for survival.

"I dare you to make out with Thea."

"Sweet!" Thea cheered, scooching closer to Ilse. " **I'm a funky little lesbian** ."

The two began to make out, but Georg was growing impatient. " **How much longer is this going to take?** " he asked. " **I have a piano lesson** !"

"Georg, it's a Friday night at eleven P.M. What the fuck?"

Melitta pulled her twin sister away from the kiss and whispered a plan as she noticed Hanschen and Ernst sitting a whole two inches away, and was worried about their relationship. " **Thea, I have an idea. Let's get our horny brother with the uwu soft boy who wears flower crowns and watches Disney movies** ."

Thea raised her eyebrows. "How did you just say 'uwu' out loud?"

The writer didn't have a smooth way to transition into the next section, but as the game finished up, Melchior began to pour shots of vodka, the only alcohol that any fic writer knew about, apparently. They each did twenty shots, because the writer  _ could  _ google a BAC calculator and realize that would kill them, but didn't.

"And then," Ilse laughed, telling a detailed story of the time *Insert German Name Here* painted her and maybe tried to kill her. " **We got fucking wasted. It was lit.** "

In the end, through all of their plights and perils, between readers not understand that Wendla didn't want sex and Ernst very much did, and too many Dear Evan Hansen crossovers that nobody asked for, the group had learned a very valuable lesson;  **Greta never fucking said a word** . 

**Author's Note:**

> I told you it was fucking stupid.  
> Follow me on Tumblr @goldenheartprincess or on Twitter @ohmyenchantress.


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